What I Would Tell Younger Single Women if I Wasn’t Worried About Hurting Their Feelings

Dear younger, single women:

I have been where you are and I understand - all of it.

As your big sister, this is what I would say if we were having coffee and I wasn’t worried about hurting your feelings.

We romanticize what we don’t have

Whether it’s a job, a house, a vacation, or a husband, we do it with everything.

We assign characteristics to situations or people without seeing the whole picture, and make up in our minds how we think it would be.

The perfect job where we are always appreciated. The ideal destination for rest and relaxation. A home of our dreams where we can foster family and community. A husband who makes us feel seen, loved, and worthy.

We daydream in pure platinum.

When life gets tough, we believe what we lack is what would fix everything.

Too often, we fail to acknowledge there is another side.

That perfect job no doubt has its fair share of stress or difficult co-workers.

The dream vacation may come with a side of frustration over lost luggage or missed connections.

Every homeowner knows when it comes to maintenance, there’s always something.

Your marriage will take effort, and there will be days you don’t even recognize that loving husband.

I once envied a couple I thought was the epitome of a strong and healthy marriage and it turned out to be anything but that.

You never know what’s going on between two people after everyone else goes home.

Cultivate contentment right where you are (Philippians 4:11-13). Stay in your lane, and put your blinders on to what you assume you are missing out on.

This is not to say that we shouldn’t strive, hope, or pray for what we want, but we need to keep our aspirations in their rightful place - none of them lead to never-ending happiness or contentment.

None of them are worth worshipping.

Stop dating if you hate it

“You have to put yourself out there.”

I don’t even know what that means.

The single women I know are running businesses, traveling the world, writing books, getting involved in politics, mentoring, and serving in their churches and communities.

We are out there. We are everywhere.

You don’t need to hop on the dating hamster wheel because of pressure that you’re not doing enough to meet someone.

Let me guess: you’ve been told it’s a numbers game and you need to keep working at it if you ever want to meet someone.

People try to set you up and you can immediately tell the only thing you have in common is a pulse.

Dating apps are a revolving door of men you wouldn't trust with your luggage let alone your whole life.

But, hey, you’re “out there.”

If online dating leaves you feeling overwhelmed or unsafe, delete the apps.

If you know in your heart a guy wouldn’t be a good fit for you, don’t go out with him just because someone else thinks you should.

Nowhere is it written that you have to subject yourself to a certain number of bad experiences in order to earn your way to the right person.

It may feel counterintuitive, but loosen your grip on the need to make it happen.

Live the life you have, not the one you wish you had

I bought my first home when I was in my late twenties. It was a huge step for me as a single woman.

Someone close to me said, “Don’t you think you should wait until you get married before you do this?”

No.

There are many things I wanted to experience with my husband. Buying a home was one of them. Traveling to certain countries was and still is another.

But we miss opportunities when we wait for the ideal set of circumstances.

I’m grateful I bought my condo when I did. Had I waited until I got married, I’d still be waiting! I would have missed out on years of building equity that I’m so happy I have now.

And talk about a growth spurt - I was stretched! I learned a lot during the process of becoming a homeowner, and not just about real estate.

Adulting took on a whole new meaning, and I’m grateful for what I gained that I know will only serve me should I also gain a husband some day.

This past June, I spent nine days in Greece, a country I always wanted to visit with my husband. I took my sister instead and we had an amazing time.

Only after it was over did I realize that trip was meant for me to experience as a single woman.

God met me in a couple different ways; ways that strengthened and healed me; ways I may have missed if I was focused on my spouse.

Your life is happening right now.

Are you putting certain dreams on hold?

Or, are you digging deep, pressing in, and being present for your life as it is?

I know what I’m choosing.

You’re not late

You’re not late, at least not when it comes to God’s timing, and I know that’s hard to hear when you’re waiting.

When we combine how we feel about our timetable with what society constantly pushes, waiting feels painful, even irresponsible at times.

And yes, certain aspects, like childbirth and raising kids, may be easier when we’re younger.

But rushing and marrying the wrong person will make life a heck of a lot harder.

We serve a God who created time. He is not subject to it.

He can cause it to feel sped up or slowed down.

I’ve known couples who met each other past the point anyone thought they would and I hear them describe a quickening in their relationships.

With God in the middle of it, they feel as though they have known each other for a lifetime and wouldn’t trade the timing.

Maybe one or both of you needs this time.

Maybe the world does.

Everyone’s time was appointed, when and where they would live, so that they might seek God (Acts 17:26-27).

My great-grandmother had her last child (a surprise) when she was 45 years old.

Take a breath, this happens more often than you think, and God always gives us grace right where we are to handle things we never thought we could.

I might not be here if she had that baby earlier.

The timing of your marriage and birth of your children fit into God’s larger design for history.

Respectfully, it’s not all about you.

Not every woman who wants to get married will

Can you be ok if it never happens?

For decades I’ve had well-meaning friends, acquaintances, and pastors speak marriage and family over my life.

But the truth is, no one knows what the future holds, and I only recently came to understand this in a way I never had before.

October will be six years since I was diagnosed with breast cancer.

This diagnosis was so far outside my realm of thinking, I can’t begin to tell you.

One doctor told me I was the healthiest person he ever met, or, at least, was living in all the healthiest ways.

Cancer doesn’t discriminate.

And it didn’t respect my hopes to meet someone amazing, preferably right around that time, when I felt my patience wearing thin. COVID hit shortly after and those were some of my darkest days.

I would have given *anything* to have a loving husband by my side through that experience, but I didn’t.

Instead, the God of the universe met me in ways no spouse could have the knowledge or power to.

I experienced God in countless ways I wouldn’t have otherwise.

A God who knows me better than I know myself. One who moves on my behalf. Who shows up with answers to questions I didn’t know I needed to ask. And always right on time.

Cancer was a chapter, but not the whole story.

The times I wish for a spouse aren’t even chapters, they’re moments. Friends’ wedding days, Mother’s Day, doctor appointment days.

The way I work to not let cancer become the whole story is the same way I have to actively make sure that moments of missing a spouse stay just that: moments.

I can’t let them get bigger than they are to the point of drowning out the millions of other beautiful moments I get to experience.

More importantly, I can’t let them drown out God.

We are all here for the same reason

Legacy.

It came into sharper focus after my cancer diagnosis.

What am I doing that matters? What will I leave behind?

Newlywed or never wed, when we are in Christ, we have a role to play.

You’re not on a lesser path because you are single.

The children you hope to have aren’t the only ones to whom you can pass the torch.

After my diagnosis, I wrote something that helped me process the experience and also as a way to share it with a wider audience.

Someone I didn’t know well, who is not familiar with God, reached out almost two years after I shared it to say that the way I wrote about God inspired her and I know it got her thinking.

If you had asked me when I was younger how I wanted to reach people and make an impact, writing about my personal journey through cancer would not have made the list, and yet God knew it was a seed that would be planted in the soil of someone’s heart.

God has work for each one of us to do (Ephesians 2:10). What can you share, make, build, or speak life over?

Step into it and watch the ripple effect.

You will be okay

I’m not trying to minimize what’s important to you, or lessen the pain you may experience in the wait, but as someone who has been living this for quite some time, I am trying to get you to see the bigger picture.

I hope you get what you’ve been waiting for.

More than that, I hope you allow God to ready you for what you’re waiting for.

I hope you never rush thinking you are late.

I hope you choose to live, to embrace your present for the precious gift it is, and chase the adventures you may have been putting off.

I hope you discover the richness of all God has for you, and feel emboldened to step into the work he prepared for you to do.

And should you not receive the thing your heart desires, I know you’ll be ok.

Better than ok, actually.

I’m living proof.

With love,

Jen